Alright. I’m going to let you inside my brain for the next few minutes as to what’s been going on lately.
Recently I’ve been feeling depressed and weighed down.
CGA wraps up in a little over 5 weeks and it has been an INCREDIBLE experience.
I would not trade these last 3 1/2 months for the WORLD.
The transformation I’ve witnessed in myself and my classmates over the last few months has been shakingly crazy in a good way!
We have become free people that have found our voice and our identity. Callings are being revealed, we as women are standing firm in the Lord, paths are becoming more clear and structured.
We are authentic, passionate people with high integrity, and the skills and capabilities to lead those around us while having a humble and open spirit to opposition and change.
Free people Free people. Such a powerful statement. We weren’t created to live life in a cage!
So, why am I telling you then, that I’m feeling depressed and weighed down, especially after this great, uplifting speech?
Because even as a free person, I still get scared and the safest place to me feels like a cage.
I don’t know exactly what I’m doing after CGA and that makes me nervous that I might let other people down with my choices.
I’m scared that all there might be to life for me is to work for the next 30+ odd years in a mediocre job that I can survive in, but not thrive in, and then retire alone in a nursing home someday waiting for death.
Pretty picture right? (sarcasm).
I don’t know if I’ll experience the joy of being married and watching my kids, kids grow up.
What is my purpose? I found myself desperately mulling this about in my head the last few days and it’s been a hard thing to come face to face with.
The Lord hasn’t specifically revealed so far what I’m doing with the rest of my life yet, let alone the next 6 months.
I’m afraid of letting people down. Of not meeting the expectations I think they have of me in missions, family, relationships, and jobs, etc…
I’ve been letting the weight of what I think others think I should do scare me, and that’s not ok because that is powerless thinking and I am not a powerless person.
I don’t know exactly what’s ahead. Neither did Noah going into a flood, or Joseph being sold by his brothers.
But I do know what I have in common with them, and that is a specific purpose placed on my life that I just can’t see yet.
